“I have 10 thousand engagements of state today, but I would prefer to spend the day out here getting a wet ass, studying Dandelions and marveling at bloody spiders webs. … God found me, have you any idea how inconvenient that is?”
I just finished watching Amazing Grace, A movie outlining the life of William Wilberforce and his battle to end the slave trade, I was impacted in this by how through his whole life Wilberforce was subjected to an ongoing sickness which never seemed to flee or if it did it always returned, he was also haunted by dreams which showed him how he should have handled situations differently. Wilberforce is a great example of a man who lived his life to the glory of God and was dedicated to a specific cause which he fought for till he died, to make the world a better place(something we should all strive for). It is not my intention however to write about that aspect much less to speak any more about Wilberforce’s life, but rather to turn to my own life where over the past year I have witnessed myself being torn down and while sometimes I seemed to gain victory, or to rise to a level I never knew before my ailments always seem to return. What I have learned recently, having watched End of the Spear, which is the story Jim Elliot and his family’s love for the Waodoni people after his death at their hands, and then gone to a church retreat where I was greatly blessed with many things including relationships finding healing and growing closer than ever. At bluestone I was also challenged as I found myself being told by the spirit to say something, I could feel what it was I needed to say inside me ready to come out, I was practically bursting to say it and yet I found that my fear of not knowing what to say, or how to say it won. This I know was also a victory for the devil as he was able to deprive people of something I was supposed to say, and for that I apologize to those people, and while I still do not what I was to say or who it was for I know that as this process continues I will be broken even more and will find myself seeking God.
It is so interesting how at times I feel my desire for Him so strongly inside myself I can hardly contain it, and I just want to share him and it seems I could bare all to anyone willing to listen knowing God would use it and draw them closer to Him, and then I contrast that with times when I find that I know God wants me to bare all, or not even that, just take the tiniest step forward in faith, and I find my fear is too great. It is those times that grieve me the most, like Wilberforce’s dreams they haunt me, and then I remember it is all part of a grander plan, and I am reminded that Jesus takes all that away, and gives me strength and courage to step forward in faith and bare all if necessary, yet I find when those times come my faith or is it my strength, or my will, or even my desire to serve God falters and I fail. I know the day will come when I step forward and I know it will be a mighty and glorious day for God. I look forward to that day and as I write this can only think of a recent conversation where I was told a funny story which included the phrase “Make someday today” and I want to “Make someday today” but so often I seem to be unwilling or unable.
This brings me to think about the movie Evan Almighty which I watched upon my return from retreat, and how Evan having been chosen by God to build an ark fights it seems every step of the way, if you have seen the movie you know it leads to great embarrassment on Evan’s part he ends up dressed like Noah in the halls of congress, and many other comedic displays of how God recruits him. This all serves as a reminder of how even when we fight it, if we have been chosen by God for a task He will break us down, and build us up so that we may be equipped to do his will, as far as knowing God’s will that is another post all together, and if I find anything better to say than to quote Erwin McManus and Say that, as long as you are passionately, actively pursuing God and seeking His will, your passions, and desires will come to line up with his more and more, so if you can honestly say you are actively, passionately pursuing God you can and should “Go unless you get a no”. and remember that if you seek God and draw close to Him you will never be bored, and as you try to serve Him don’t forget to share what you learn along the way, if I find something better to say I will, for now farewell.
Ethan
The next morning I got up and went to practice at Tommy’s (our drummer) house and after some time we discovered that cannot ply Bass with a pick, and learn rather quickly.
